Liveblogging an Overreaction

Look, this is what I do these days. I scour the InterTubes with my Pipe Cleaners of Godless Justice, in search of oafish nimrods dissing nonbelievers. My feelers are very sensitive (the pipe cleaners are not capitalized for nothing), and in my quest I can sometimes be suddenly thrown off course, like blowing air horns at a cave of bats; the sonar goes berzerk.

So here's this piece from the Daily Texan. You're already offended, right? It gets better, because it's the newspaper of the University of Texas at Austin. Fantastic. This is going to be fresh meat: a young, intolerant oaf. Should be ripe for some UTI snark. The guy's name is Joshua Riehl, and I'm ready to take him apart.

Sorry, Grandma. I went to an atheist meeting last week.

Atheism is the hot new trend. Five books about it have cracked best-seller lists recently, and self-identified atheists are one of the fastest growing religious groups in America. Two years ago, Rep. Pete Stark, D-Calif., became the first openly non-theist member of Congress in history. Atheism is the new Kabbalah, only cheaper and without the cool celebrity endorsements.

Holy crap! He's pissing all over us right out of the gate! We're a trend, competing with the Kindle, and we don't even have 3G radios in our heads (do we?)! We're like a fringe cult group that Madonna might enjoy for a week or two! You son of a bitch...

Despite its trend-setting appeal, atheists are still finding themselves marginalized. In a 2006 University of Minnesota survey, participants identified atheists as the least likely to share “their vision of American society.” (Additionally, atheists surveyed were least willing to allow their children to marry atheists. Apparently they haven’t paid for a church wedding.)

What is it about atheism that instills such fear in people? I had to find out, so I looked to the University student group, Atheist Longhorns, in search of answers.

Oh. Well. Go ahead. Right. Yes, find out why they are scared of us. Yeah, you'll probably go and find some class-A weirdos and make them out to be typical of the species. Boy, I hate this guy! Grrrrrr

I spent more than a week trying to find them.

[. . . author recounts lengthy attempt to track down this college group . . . ]

I finally found them in Welch 3.260. All 10 of them greeted me warmly when I arrived. After 15 minutes of PowerPoint-related technical dificulties [sic], the meeting began with some banal announcements. They talked about upcoming and past events and decided to look into going to a water park. They talked about Darwin and they mocked religion. During their weekly look at religions of the world, one atheist compared Native American sweat lodges to hazing before dismissing the entire ritual as a cheap way to get high. Even the group’s president of grew bored and asked if anyone cared if she sat out of the discussion.

It shocked me at just how little discussion there was about the existence of God. I expected an assault of science, a diatribe of Darwinism or screed against religion. Instead, I learned that the president of the club always wears black for its slimming effect, and that she hates it in the summer.

What was the point? Why do atheists need to get together, anyway? It’s not as if they’re there to worship something. What purpose does it serve to reaffirm your non-belief in something?

See? Here we go. Stereotypical boring, snotty atheists, dissing religion for kicks and fumbling with Microsoft software. Why do we get together, when we're all so insufferable? Well, I guess we can throw this marginalized group in the trash.

Wait, what's that?

As I asked myself these questions, one member told the group that he “came out” to his mother — he announced that he was an atheist. I asked him how that went over. He shook his head and responded, “Not good.”

That’s when some of the other atheists started to tell me that they also had bad experiences coming out to their parents. I didn’t understand. These students seemed perfectly normal — maybe even boring.

Well, gosh, that's true. I mean, how often to people write about the social stigma we face even within our own families? But he did call us boring, so he's probably winding up to nail us again.

What is it that freaks people out about atheists? Not believing in the existence of God doesn’t make atheists immoral. Molesting altar boys, fighting against equal rights because of someone’s sexual orientation, lobbying to have AIDS funding tied to abstinence-only programs in Africa or strapping bombs to your chest and indescriminately [sic] blowing up bystanders — those things are immoral.

So what can I say? Members of the Atheist Longhorns aren’t fiendish freaks to be feared. They’re normal students who just like to socialize with people who share their non-belief. If anything, they were too normal.

I’m sure my grandmother will be pleased to know that the atheists weren’t able to convert me. Hell, they couldn’t even entertain me. I guess I find the unwavering presumption that science can explain away all the wonder of the world kind of boring.

Hm.

Okay.

While this piece isn't exactly rah-rah for the heathens, I had obviously misjudged Mr. Riehl. Indeed, I prejudged him. I decided in advance he was going to launch another knuckleheaded attack against nonbelievers, and while he was a little dismissive at first, the piece was one of coming to an understanding, and finally in support of a group with whom he does not agree. We're not supposed to do that prejudging thing, right? Don't they have a word for that? Oh right. Prejudice. That was all me: Texas, believer, etc. I did that.

Excuse me? Oh, Mr. Riehl has one more thing to say in his article:

And if I wanted to be boring, I’d become a Baptist.

Oh no he didn't!