Atheist Jokes

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes.
Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as
fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the
bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe
at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God...";
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord,bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly
thankful. Amen."

The dyslexic agnostic insominac?
Laid awake all night wondering if there was a dog...

hugs,
Shirley Knott

Poor fellow, all dressed up and nowhere to go.

hugs,
Shirley Knott

Apparently this joke, which is a little off-colour, was in the Guardian blog recently.

Priest is out walking in the middle of nowhere, when he comes across a small girl sobbing at the edge of a cliff. "What's the matter, little girl?" asks the priest. "Well," says the girl between sobs, "my mother and father were in the car and it rolled over the edge of the cliff, and is now burning fiercely!" The priest replies, undoing his fly, "It's just not your day, is it?"

I've put together a bunch of atheist jokes at my alter ego's website The Atheist Comedian, for the same reason you started this thread, to prove that we atheists have a sense of humor. Of course, most of it is at the expense of the religious.

Here's a few to wet your appetite (in the tradition of Yo Mama jokes):

Yo Jesus so fat, they had to reinforce his cross with re-bar.

Yo Jesus so poor, he has to call collect to answer your prayers.

Yo Lot so horny, he had three more daughters.

Atheist joke thread, check. Evidence of sense of humor, check. Jokes about atheists? Why not also include jokes atheists might TELL? For instance ...

Q: How many creationists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None! They've invented torches!

Did you hear about the creationist coyote? It chewed off three legs and was still caught in the trap!

15,000 atheists in London rioted after a blank sheet of paper was found on a cartoonist's desk.
http://www.danielcurran.com/

Not exactly a joke, but funny as hell:

http://www.thislife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?episode=332

Click the "full episode" link, allow it to load a bit, then start at about 4:30. Lasts for a bit...

Jim Downey

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Like Science Fiction? Read my novel, Communion of Dreams, for free.

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"

"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

That was beautiful.

That joke about the priest and the little girl would be just a bit better targeted if it was a little boy.

...and he came across a little boy with a box of kittens. Pat peered into the box, and said, "Son, those are the cutest little kitties I have ever seen. What kind are they?"

"These are Christian kittens," the little boy replied.

Pat chuckled and went on his way.

A week later, he found himself on the same street, this time chatting up Ann Coulter, when he saw the same little boy with the same box of kittens. Hoping to score some points with her, he said, "Ann, go ask that little boy what kind of kittens those are."

She did, and the boy replied, "These are atheist kittens."

Ann looked shocked, and looked back at Pat. Pat asked the boy, "What do you mean, atheist kittens? Last week you told me these kittens were Christian!"

"They were," replied the boy. "But then their eyes opened."

:D

It seems that two of the great Romantic British Poets, Shelly and Keats died on the same day.

When they got to heaven St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but I only have room for one poet. I'll tell you what I'll do. Each of you must make up a poem using the word 'Timbuctoo.' The one who creates the best poem I'll let into heaven."

So Shelly goes first. He thinks a bit and after a few moments, he starts, "I stood upon the burning sand gazing at a far off land. A caravan came into view it's destination: Timbuctoo."

"Very good!" says St. Peter, "Keats it's your turn. Do you think you can top that one?"

Keats just smiled and started his poem: "Tim and I a hunting went, and found three maidens in a tent. Since they were three and we were two, I bucked one and Timbuctoo."

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.

Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"

"I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.

During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"