Daring to think - a personal moment.

Can I succeed? Can I accomplish something lasting with my life?

Does it even matter if you do? I mean seriously, for every author whose work gets published and lasts for more than a few years there are several that fall flat within the first year. Even successful authors are generally only a few decades or a few hundred years away from being forgotten entirely. So lets assume that whatever you do will have no lasting impact on anyone else in the world, just do what you enjoy doing and don't care about whether the rest of the world gives a shit about you. That's my philosophy anyway.

Anyway good luck with your novel and patents.

...and that one of your patentable ideas hits the "reset" button on your finances.

But you know, it somehow feels like failure. Like we're giving up, giving in, saying "we can't handle this any more."

Failure to be Superman, maybe. But success in every other way. I know I wouldn't want my kids to be crushed by the burden of caring for me. Very likely your MIL felt the same way.

Can I succeed? Can I accomplish something lasting with my life?

Impermanence is the central fact of our existence. But compassion and wisdom matter. Or, what you call "thinking". While you are facing the loss of the known self (everything revolving around care-giving), what you will find will definitely be worth the search.

Jim,

Glad to hear you are getting help with your MIL and getting your life back. I am sure everything will work out for the best.

You said: "I have at least two patentable ideas - one firearms related, one a consumer electronics item - that I need to pursue, see what I can do to either formally file a patent, or convince the appropriate large corporation to buy the idea from me with something less formal."

I can't help with the firearms idea but perhaps I might be able to help with the other idea. You have heard me mention that I am in the Home Theater business before. Every few years I go to the CES (consumer electronics) convention in Las Vegas. It's been a few years so I really should go this year if I can. It is being held from Jan 7th thru the 10th. It has to do with much more than just home theater.

The International CES is produced by the Consumer Electronics Association (CEA), the preeminent trade association promoting growth in the consumer technology industry. CEA represents more than 2,100 corporate members involved in the design, development, manufacturing, distribution and integration of consumer electronics products. All profits from CES are reinvested into industry services, including technical training and education, industry promotion, engineering standards development, market research and legislative advocacy.

You can probably get yourself in, but if not I can probably help to get you some phony credentials? Even if you don't go, the website I linked might give you some ideas. Another resource I use is a weekly trade magazine called Twice.

Hope this helps. If there is anything else I can do for you, it would be my pleasure.

Dirk

Jim,

Your post is very rich and brought up a lot of thoughts, particularly about reading and thinking. The two most pertinent thoughts come from my own parents' deaths. I was part of the discussion and decision with my mother and sister to not resuscitate my father if he once again went into respiratory failure. He died about five days after we made that decision, and I thought it was a great honor to help a loved one through his final moment. Later, I realized it was also an honor to help my mother.

In my mother's case, she had to go onto hospice care in the nursing section of her retirement residence. While the nursing staff was terrific, the hospice staff was extraordinary in that I understood they would clearly hear my mother as she moved through what would be the final three weeks of her life. At one point, Mom said, "I don't feel like eating," the hospice nurse said, "Then don't." She left my mother in control of her own destiny in a way I hadn't anticipated, and for that I was very happy. I know your mother-in-law is not able to exercise the same control; it's mostly my way of saying that I swear by hospice care.

And I certainly wish you well in reclaiming your life.

Frank Moorman, skeptic

I don't know you, Jim, other than here, but ... I'd bet money that you'll be fine.

I wasn't under the type of pressure you're under, but I was actually suffering some stress effects from my last job.

I too was worried that I had lost it. I felt stupider than ever in my life. I felt tired. Worried. Tense. Lots of little blips on the health radar.

Changes became noticeable within a few weeks of leaving the job, and became dramatic after I started eating better. The freedom seemed to make a difference too. I gradually decompressed and started to feel adventurous again. Got curious again, and started to enjoy learning new things too.

But in some ways, I was still feeling like I wasn't getting anything done. I'd go to the library and check out 5 or 6 books, but they'd sit around and never get read. I didn't seem to have the time, somehow.

One weird thing that whacked me in the head with my still-existing abilities was the final Harry Potter novel. I got it around 11 a.m. on the Saturday it came out, finished it that evening. I realized I'd read over 750 pages in about 10 hours. Which meant I COULD read that much in a day ... if I wanted to. In any book. Which kinda meant I could do a LOT of shit I hadn't been believing I'd be able to.

I started taking photos again, and you can see my efforts on my Flickr site, www.flickr.com/photos/hankfox . I got some new software and signed up for some online tutorials on lynda.com, and I’m just sheerly loving it. I started making sushi at home on occasion. Sometime next year, I think I’m going to get a puppy.

Anyway, you'll be surprised at what you'll be able to do.

I have one of Hank's Little Lectures for moments like this, that has to do with something I call "the energy of transition" -- the turbulence that any big change injects into your life -- but I'll spare you, other than to say that you're SUPPOSED to be afraid / apprehensive / unsettled at a time like this. It's natural. Even necessary. The movement from one life situation to another has to be rough, otherwise you couldn't make the move. You'd stay bound in all your same life habits, and nothing would change.

The doubt is actually a good sign – you’re already into the turbulence, which means positive changes are already starting to happen.

At this point in my life (I’m turning 55 in a few days) I’m not running marathons, or doing the type of lightning brainwork I did in my 20s and 30s, but I’m content to know that I’m still able to climb the hill of accomplishment, to do good work, to learn new things, and to have fun.

I’ll bet you’ll find the same thing is true for you.

...

I'll suggest something I'm really digging in the morning. Get a wand blender, a fairly good one. A two-cup plastic measuring cup. A tall plastic pitcher to use as your private blending container, and a couple of large plastic glasses dedicated specifically to this morning snack ritual (so they'll always be available and clean). A container of chocolate or vanilla protein powder. A bunch of bananas, a gallon of low-fat milk, and a bag each of frozen strawberries and blueberries (and frozen sliced peaches, if your store has them).

Put in the pitcher: Banana, two cups of milk, scoop of protein powder, five to 8 frozen strawberries, and three heaping tablespoons of frozen blueberries. Couple of frozen peach slices if you got 'em. Blend until smooth. Guzzle. Oh, man, is that stuff good. And it's at least two, possibly three, of your 5 or so fruit and vegetable servings for the day. Plus the blueberries are supposedly full of good anti-oxidant stuff.

I find the stuff is as good as coffee at waking me up and getting me going in the morning. It’s not as filling as a two-egg and cheese omelette, buttered toast, bacon, orange juice and coffee, but that’s a good thing too.

...

The bad news in all this, though, is about your sex life. No. Forget it. You're done.

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(That was a JOKE.)

You being an atheist, what I really want to say to you wouldnt work.

Let me just say that youre a remarkable human being.

Jim,

I have posted here before, but not nearly enough in the past, and trust me when I say, "I can sympathize." My father (a devout atheist and the most wonderful Natural Humanist you would ever want to meet), was in a hospital ICU for more than a month. I was about exactly half way around the world when I received a Red-Cross message stating that he probably wasn't going to make it. Well, I flew across two oceans, I was there at his last fully alive days. I heard him speak his last coherent words. He loved his kids, he loved his wife and he was proud he worked so hard to support his family. Before he was gone I had to go back to the "important fight". After that, I received a letter from my mother, it was apologetic, she had agreed to turn off artificial support and felt guilty. I called her to reassure her that she had done the most humane thing that a caring person would do in that situation, but I don't think she ever truly understood (she was, at heart a literal interpretist). I am sad for my mother but at the same time proud of her, because for the first time in her life, she weighed the merits of human dignity against the dogma of societal pressure, and chose human dignity. She never forgave herself for the decision, which is sad, but it was the moment that her wayward son was never more close to her. Jim, you chose human dignity, despite the great pain it caused you. And although we've never met, I am proud to call you a friend.

Tully