Observations and inanities by a second-shift assistant supervisor in the Puppy-Grinding division of the Evil Atheist Conspiracy® (our motto: "Sure it's cruel, but think of the jobs!"), your host, Brent Rasmussen.
Since it is Easter weekend . . .
. . . let's all share our favorite Jesus-related commercial crap. It can be stuff sold to the faithful, or mocking the faithful (sometimes the difference is hard to discern), or just plain oddly related to Jesus.
Here's a couple:
Could you use a miracle today? Maybe he can help. Quite possibly the first action figure to have "turns water into wine" as a selling point on the box, this wonderful Jesus character stands 5 1/4-inches tall and features glow-in-the-dark hands! He comes in an illustrated window box with 8 accessories: a jug, 2 fish, and 5 loaves of bread. Welcome him into your home today!
Classic! And from those same folks:
OMG (literally)! Now you have seen everything! Treat your minor cuts, scrapes, and scratches with the miraculous healing power of a designer Jesus bandage. And if a fancy bandage isn't enough to dry up your tears, how about a free toy? Have faith. Each 3 3/4-inch tall metal pocket tin contains adhesive bandages and a small plastic trinket to help make even the ouchiest owies feel all better in no time! Includes 15 sterile strips, all measuring 3-inches long x 1-inch wide.
And then there's the ever-popular products from the fine folks at Divine Interventions: Jackhammer Jesus and the Baby Jesus Butt Plug!
What else ya got?
Jim Downey
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PZ found some good patents!
PZ found some good patents of Jesus-junk, thought they deserved a mention.
Jim Downey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Like Science Fiction? Read *or listen to* my novel, Communion of Dreams, for free.
"We woulda won, y'know, if
"We woulda won, y'know, if Jesus hadn't FUMBLED the ball...way to go, son-of-man..."
I still crack up at old clips of Sam Kinison riffing on the whole Crucifixion scene in his stand up act...
"Get me the $@() down from here!!"
Lucrative Xian Market
For some reason, I get Christian junk mail all the time. Maybe the people who lived here before me were bible thumpers? I get invitations to attend several different churches, I get religious holiday reminders and I get catalogs.
Coincidentally, I just got this one in the mail the other day. The NationalDayofPrayer.org catalog has loads of crap you can buy. Get your Jesus stickers, magnets, lapel pins, books, water bottles, fanny packs, home school kits, DVDs, 99 cent downloads, E-cards, yard signs, balloon launch prayer kits, pens, envelopes, letterhead, wrist bands, bookmarks and posters all for a reasonable price.
Now if the Christians are perfectly willing to commercialize their most sacred beliefs, why can't we. I know. I know. Here comes Downey the wet blanket with his morals and ethics saying that its wrong to take advantage of the weak minded. But hey, if they are doing it to themselves, why can't we get in on the action? Obviously there's a lucrative market out there.
If we donated a portion of the proceeds to stem cell research or Planned Parenthood or something, would that satisfy your objections Jim? If nothing else, the irony would be worth the effort alone, eh?
Turning American history into a offroad driving videogame?
Dammit, Dirk. This better be a parody.
--
"Ponies are atheists, you know, technically."
- Me
Balloon Launch Prayer Kit
Sadly, you and I both know it's not a joke. Or rather I should say, to them it's not a joke. And actually, I thought that was somewhat mild in comparison to how they warp science, no?
Of all the junk they are selling, this one is my absolute favorite:
Objections over-ruled.
The irony would indeed be sweet. Objections over-ruled, Dirk. Give 'em what they want, good n' hard.
Jim (The Wet Blanket) Downey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Like Science Fiction? Read *or listen to* my novel, Communion of Dreams, for free.
One Kid and Jesus
I'll go with the Kid Rock Rock and roll jesus tour..I'm almost positive that one can purchase the Jackhammer Jesus and Baby Jesus butt plugs at his merch tables.
Is it me, or is the "Jesus
Is it me, or is the "Jesus Deluxe" action figure not articulated enough to stretch out its arms?
Think about it.
Hay-soos Action Figures
"Tommy, can you show me on this doll exactly where Jesus touched you?"
...
"Tell us, Mr. Christ, what is worn under the robe?"
"Nothing is worn under the robe. Everything is in perfect working order."
...
Two words: Jackhammer Jesus.
...
That bottom figure grouping, I'm sure I see a tattoo on that kid's neck. One of those Chinese symbols that prob'ly translates as "Who Da Man??"
I've always been partial to these knick knacks
Dear Jesus,
Dear Jesus,
I know you died and came back once. I understand how that could affect your outlook on life. But that is no guarantee you can do it again. I have been advised by our legal council that you are not exempt from the helmet (and footwear) rules of the League. See: League Code §3 ¶5.
Cordially yours,
Todd S. Sayre
League President
--
"Ponies are atheists, you know, technically."
- Me
I got three sacks on Jesus in the first half...
I'm going pro!
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