Miley Cyrus Helps FBI in World's Largest Pedophile Sting Operation

We at the FBI would like to thank Miley Cyrus, Vanity Fair and the internet for their help in executing the largest pedophile sting operation in the history of the world. So far we have caught 24.5 million pedophiles in America alone. The total number worldwide is well over 100 million. All of these people are considered pedophiles in the jurisdiction of the United States. Indictments against Americans will begin next Monday. We will be contacting Interpol by the end of the week. TSA databases are being updated as we speak. And NBC's Chris Hansen has already been emailed the list. There is nowhere for these pedophiles to hide within the borders of the United States of America. (Except for inside the compounds of fundamentalist polygamist religious sects; but we're working on that.)

From a technical standpoint the operation was simple. Each webpage featuring a story about the "nude" or "topless"15 year old starlet was bugged with a Javascript file that extracted each pedophile's IP address and added it to a database on an FBI server. That address, which uniquely identifies your computer on the internet, was then crossmatched with other data including your phone number, address, mother's maiden name, sexual history and favorite pizza topping. All Americans have had that data collected on them since late September 2001 under the Operational Security Authorization and Management Act. We at the FBI would like to take this moment to thank the American people for their support in helping us get the authorization to collect this data. Without their constant cries for "getting OSAMA", Congress would never have passed the act.

The first arrest in the sting actually occurred in the J. Edgar Cross-dresser building, headquarters of the FBI themselves. Special Agent Edmund Howell, who had been previously warned about his incessant reading of the totally awesome LiveJournal community Oh No They Didn't! clicked a link he was told no more than 5 minutes ago in a staff meeting not to. "She's not topless, she's wearing a sheet! If she's topless, I'm topless because I'm wearing a shirt!" screamed the disappointed pedophile as he was escorted to the police cruiser waiting outside.

The FBI would like to extend an honorary position to Miley for her help in this operation. The Jailbait Division will be holding a ceremony tomorrow morning at 9:00 AM. TicketMaster already sold all the tickets to scalpers. Show up 3 hour early, slip Vinnie at the corner 4 Benjamins, and he can hook you up.