Observations and inanities by a second-shift assistant supervisor in the Puppy-Grinding division of the Evil Atheist Conspiracy® (our motto: "Sure it's cruel, but think of the jobs!"), your host, Brent Rasmussen.
The Glow of Religious Fire
I haven't posted anything here in a while, so I thought I'd echo something from my own blog:
The Shreveport Times (writer Kristi Richie, June 7, 2008) reports:
Pornography, Harry Potter books burned at monthly meeting
About 30 people gathered for a regional revival Friday night that included a book burning as a statement to reach out to local residents.
Because nothing “reaches out” to people like a good book burning.
“It is allowed for Harry Potter to be taught in our schools, but not the Bible,” International House of Prayer pastor James Crawford said during the Shreveport Regional Unity of Faith Revival.
“It is allowed”?? Who talks like that? And does he know the acronym of his church is IHOP? And do the people who show up there every Sunday get greeted with “We’re all out of pancakes this morning, brothers and sisters, but we’ll be serving up a big stack of buttered whole-wheat Jesus in just a few minutes!”
That is one reason pastors from several denominations and races ripped pages from “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.” Those and pages from a pornographic magazine were put into a burn pit and set afire as praises bellowed from the congregation.
Well, this is almost as pathetic as praying, as far as actually accomplishing something real. “Sorcerer’s Stone” was the first and smallest of the books, as I recall. And you don’t get into the real satanic stuff – you know, the dancing naked under the full moon and the sacrifices of Christian children and such – until “Goblet of Fire.” I remember that one cool scene where Crabb and Goyle had to coax a Christian schoolboy into a van and deliver him to Professor Snape’s dungeon so he could make his special Satanic Potency Elixir and have gay sex with a couple of Blast-Ended Screwts.
To be on the safe side, why not just torch the whole set? Or invite J.K. Rowling over for a good old fashioned witch burning? Hey, if she’s delivering innocent Christian children into the hands of Satan …
Just out of curiosity, where are CHURCH PASTORS getting all this pornography? And was it the really BAD pornography, with the hellishly seductive perfect women with slinky curves and pouting lips and firm, pert breasts? Or was it the lesser pornography with the piggish, unattractive old termagants with visible lip hair and stretch marks on their high-mileage thighs?
“As I tore the pages, I felt a generational curse of immorality and perversion breaking off my family,” Adriane Banks said. “I felt it.”
I’ve read that sentence five times, and I still don’t have the faintest idea what it means.
Crawford said recent natural disasters are a wake-up call.
Well, but everybody knows that. When a tornado or a severe earthquake hits, you’d hardly sleep through it.
“We need healing. We’ve got pornography, abortion, murder, violence on the rise in Shreveport,” Crawford said. “The focus is making sure we can do everything we can for our city as ministers.”
Man, if there was a subspecies of humans called Homo festeringsorius, this guy would be able to breed true with them.
“I am not a doom and gloom preacher, I am a truth seeker. But we are at the threshold of dark days,” Crawford told the congregation.
Yeah, we certainly are “at the threshold of dark days.” Only one thing more need be said:
WOSIJMU (Wise Old Saying I Just Made Up):
“The darkest shadows are those cast by the light of burning books.” – Hank Fox
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I dunno... I prefer my Harry
I dunno... I prefer my Harry Potter and pornography all in one story. There are some really juicy fanfictions out there!
Of course, don't tell that to these psychos. They might try to delete the internet. Actually... they've tried, at least, as far as Potter porn is concerned. A few of them got Livejournal to delete the community "Pornish Pixies", which was accused of pedaling child porn. Harry & company were clearly portrayed as post-canon adults in the various pieces of art and stories, but, alas... how dare we sully the innocence and childish virtues of a satanic, witchcraft-wielding devil worshiper? Pornish Pixies was eventually revived as the child-porn claims proved false, but the uber-Christian psychos are still there, lurking. Spooooooky...
Sorcerer's stone
Was only really bad because it got changed from Philosopher's Stone. The American title implies that it encourages magic, the English title implies that it encourages Alchemy, which is slightly different.
The sexual perversion doesn't even start to occur until book 2: Harry Potter and the Chamberpot of Secrets.
Well duh, you can't teach anything in the Bible, it's just a book. School's where all the teaching happens.
Book burning, although a definite waste and an insult to the literary arts, really doesn't accomplish much. Burn 3 Harry Potter books? That means you bought 3 Harry Potter books, which in turn means you are supporting Harry Potter. Funny isn't it?
OOH OOH!!! I KNOW THE ANSWER!!! PICK ME!
It means her daddy's sister is her mother.
Real live LOL
I laughed out loud for a good minute and a half. :D
That first line
has to be one of the most (unintentionally) hilarious things I have ever read. Once more for posterity:
I'd like to "reach out" to them with a fire hose on full blast. Oops, I guess that would make me a "militant atheist." What if I just piss on their shoes?
I suppose part of it is an attempt to bring all of their fellow psychopathic freaks to the lord, but it also reeks of righteous intimidation to me. A little show of willingness. A little demonstration of intentions. Such destructive, flamboyant street theatre is not meant solely for their own enjoyment. Though I'm sure they do enjoy it.
Hank, you posted most of the article, but left out the closing quote, which I think is revealing(well, to people who aren't as familiar with this brand of horseshit):
We all know how superior these kinds of christians like to feel, despite the usual claims of humility. So it is no big surprise that they are "not concerned with the cultural standard." The batshit crazy claim of a "supernatural enemy" is nothing new, and while it bothers me, there is one two word phrase that bugs me even more. "Our city." Notice how they can't just keep themselves "clean," or their congregation "clean" but instead have to try and claim the whole city? There were only 30 of these stupid assholes, but they claim moral gaurdianship of a whole town! We all use phrases like "our town" or "my town" sometimes, but I think people like this mean it on a different level. What I think they mean is that if you don't at least pretend to agree with them, they would love nothing more than to chase you out of "their town" with torches and pitchforks.
Do tell, fearless leader! How many more congregants do you need before you start using the local schools and libraries as your personal ego-tripping battleground? How many more braying loonies do you need before you can start outlawing abortion, homosexuality, and all of the other things that worry your fevered mind?
I also love the quote:
These stupid, lying sacks of shit can't even finish one fucking sentence without directly contradicting themselves. I understand that he was trying to qualify his statement, but really.
I guess that means that he will never, ever mention global warming, republican corruption, endless warmongering and mass murder, or gas prices.
I read that as: "But here, let me make up some baseless bullshit for you to fret over. Can't have you thinking."
What douchebags, through and through.
Save the good stuff
It sounds like they were selective. Do you suppose they just burned the pages with text and hung on the ones with pictures?
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