Observations and inanities by a second-shift assistant supervisor in the Puppy-Grinding division of the Evil Atheist Conspiracy® (our motto: "Sure it's cruel, but think of the jobs!"), your host, Brent Rasmussen.
Sinners At The Hand Of An Angry God In Wonder Sauna Hot Pants
Sorry that I haven't been around much lately, but can you blame me? I got a couple of pairs of these babies at the flea market last weekend, and Mrs. Inscrutable and I have been stylin' around town ever since. And I've lost 5 lbs!
(Click to embiggen.)
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Effective form of male birth
Effective form of male birth control. A little workout in these every day and you'll shoot blanks
Effective form of male birth control
Let any woman see you wearing these and whether you shoot blanks or not won't matter.
If you were on the Titanic and it started to go down, you might get a girl to hang with you, but only because of your superior buoyancy.
Inflatable Pants
For some reason, I picture the entire Osmond Family walking around wearing these.
Maybe I'm thinking of the Mormon magic underwear.
Doing some Trim Jeans Theatre, Brent?
The cast:
GARY COOVER
Eric Idle
JEAN WENNERSTORM
Graham Chapman
MARK EDWARDS
Michael Palin
PRIEST
Graham Chapman
FIRST KNIGHT
Eric Idle
SECOND KNIGHT
Terry Jones
THIRD KNIGHT
Michael Palin
FOURTH KNIGHT
John Cleese
The sketch:
(Jolly showbiz music. A flat goes up, revealing three actors in thin-jeans (which are heavily padded to make you sweat off weight) grouped for an advert. They all have slight Australian accents.)
CAPTION: 'TRIM-JEANS THEATRE PRESENTS'
Gary: Good evening. This new series of 'Trim-Jeans Theatre Presents' will enable you to enjoy the poetry of T. S. Eliot whilst losing unsightly trouser bulge. Jean.
CAPTION: 'THESE THREE PEOPLE ARE REDUCING THEIR WAIST, THIGHS, HIPS AND ABDOMEN EVEN AS THEY RECOMMEND'
Jean: Wow, yes and the inches stay off. Mark.
Mark: Terrific! Thrill to Thomas a Becket's Kierkegaardian moment of choice while making your physique fighter, firmer, neater.
(Cut to a cathedral interior. There are three priests, four knights and two women, all in trim-jeans. Thomas does not wear one.)
Priest: I am here. No traitor to the King.
First Knight: Absolve all those you have excommunicated.
Second Knight: Resign those powers you have arrogated.
Third Knight: Renew the obedience you have violated.
Fourth Knight: Lose inches off your hips, thighs, buttocks and abdomen.
I stand in awe . . .
. . . of your fashion sense, Brent.
Here's a good book you can read while lounging around losing weight:
The Christian Mother Goose Book of Nursery Rhymes
Jim Downey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Like Science Fiction? Read *or listen to* my novel, Communion of Dreams, for free.
Mother Goose
Three blind mice! Three blind mice!
See how they run! See how they run!
You better watch out for the farmer’s wife,
She’ll cut off your tail with a carving knife!
But if you pray to Jesus you’ll be healed tonight,
Three blind mice!
I’m picturing the same publisher offering Christian rewrites of Dr. Suess classics:
One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish – Plus Loaves to Feed the Multitudes
Marvin K. Mooney, Will You Please Pray Now!
Horton Hears the Word of God
How Satan Stole Christmas
Green Eggs and Jesus
The Cat in Hell
God I Am
*twitch*
Mary had a little lamb
It's heart was black as sin
Everywhere that Mary went
the lamb showed up again!
It followed her to school one day
Which was against the rules
It made the children scream and cry
To see the evil lamb at school.
And so the teacher pulled a gun
And took a proper stance
She warned the awful, godless thing
And gave it half a chance.
The teacher fired - a solid hit!
But still it lingered near
And waited patiently about
Till Mary did appear.
"What makes the lamb love Mary so?"
The eager children cried.
"Oh, Mary is a dirty, filthy, godless heathen atheist, you know,"
The teacher then replied.
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