Observations and inanities by a second-shift assistant supervisor in the Puppy-Grinding division of the Evil Atheist Conspiracy® (our motto: "Sure it's cruel, but think of the jobs!"), your host, Brent Rasmussen.
Confession Time: "Nothing beats a good fart joke" edition.
Ancient Greeks pre-empted Dead Parrot sketch
For those who believe the ancient Greeks thought of everything first, proof has been found in a 4th century AD joke book featuring an ancestor of Monty Python's Dead Parrot sketch where a man returns a parrot to a shop, complaining it is dead.
The 1,600-year-old work entitled "Philogelos: The Laugh Addict," one of the world's oldest joke books, features a joke in which a man complains that a slave he has just bought has died, its publisher said Friday.
"By the gods," answers the slave's seller, "when he was with me, he never did any such thing!"
In a British comedy act Monty Python's Flying Circus sketch, first aired in 1969 and regularly voted one of the funniest ever, the pet-shop owner says the parrot, a "Norwegian Blue," is not dead, just "resting" or "pining for the fjords."
The English-language book will appeal to those who swear that the old jokes are the best ones. Many of its 265 gags will seem strikingly familiar, suggesting that sex, dimwits, nagging wives and flatulence have raised laughs for centuries.
And in honor of this stunning bit of historical research, let's have another Confession Time! The rules are simple - "confess" your favorite bad joke/limerick/story, and seek forgiveness for your sins.
I don't usually tell jokes (people have a hard enough time telling when I am serious as it is), but I do have a limerick I have long favored:
There was a young man named McGill
Who made his neighbors disgustedly ill
When they heard of his habits
Involving white rabbits
And a bird with a flexible bill.
Next?
Jim Downey
Hat tip to Friar Tuck for the headline.
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Should I Have Been Told Earlier?
I always liked the one about the constipated jitterbug. You know, he couldn't jit.
(Full disclosure: this was the first off color joke my dad ever told me. I was about nine years old and was predictably impressed.)
Off Color
Heh. I remember the first time my straight-laced Mormon mom told me a joke with the word "shit" in it. I thought I'd never stop giggling. I was about the same age I guess - 9 or 10. :)
Say...
have you ever seen anyone that was crooked-laced? Besides the villains in Batman, that is.
Rob Miles
--
There are only 10 types of people in the world;
those who understand binary and those who don't.
Stupid humour
I admit it, I like dumb jokes. My favorite knock-knock joke goes like this:
Knock-knock!
Who's there?
The interrupting cow!
The interrupting cow wh- Mooooo!
The Clean Kids Joke
How do you catch a polar bear?
Well, you dig a big hole in the ice, and pour a bag of frozen peas in the hole.
Then, when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
*hilarity ensues*
Bad Limerick
There once was a whore from Peru
Who coated her insides with glue
She said with a grin
"They pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out again, too!"
Rob Miles
--
There are only 10 types of people in the world;
those who understand binary and those who don't.
and since this is an atheist blog
The women of the town were gathering in a circle, gathering rocks in order to stone the town whore. Just as they were about throw their rocks, Jesus stepped into the circle and called out, "Let she who is without sin cast the first stone." The women stood shamefaced as they let fall their rocks to the ground, till one of them stepped forward, picked up a rock, and hurled right at the whore's head. In the silence, Jesus looked at her and said, "Mother, sometimes you really piss me off."
OK, I'll stop now.
Frank Moorman, skeptic
and then there was the one...
... about the farmer and his wife, driving along in the truck. After a long silence, she sighs and says, "Remember how we were when we were young and sat together, holding hands, as we drove along?"
They drove for a bit till the farmer says, "I ain't moved."
Frank Moorman, skeptic
Mine is particularly horrible
Mine might be one of the worst jokes ever, but whenever I think of it I still laugh.
2 muffins are baking in an oven. One muffin looks over to the other and says, "Man, it's hot in here."
The other muffin responds, "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"
Longest Joke in the World
I wouldn't say this is my favorite joke, but it is "The Longest Joke in the World". And take note, it is a VERY long joke. It took me about 20 or 30 minutes to read it, but I thought it was worth it.
Rob Miles
--
There are only 10 types of people in the world;
those who understand binary and those who don't.
Slow and pointless
Whenever somebody asks for my favorite joke, I forget every joke I have ever heard. I do, however, have a weakness for Vermont and other regional New England humor. These are best told with some imitation of a New England accent, and they are inevitably told slowly, which doesn't suit today's society. (A college friend, a native and lifelong resident of Vermont, said the reason they talk so slowly up there is there's not much else to do.)
Anyway, one story goes that there were these two York staters printing up 18-dollar bills. When they had a passel of bills printed up, they decided to drive to Vermont to pass them off. They drove for a long time till they got to the town of Craftsbury Common, where there's a grocery store and the common (most Vermont jokes I know take place in Craftsbury Common). They walked into the grocery store and asked the clerk, "Excuse me, sir, do you have change for an 18-dollar bill?" The clerk opened the cash drawer, looked closely at the money arrayed there, looked back up at the gentlemen, and said, "Certainly. What would you like three sixes or two nines?"
Frank Moorman, skeptic