Incantations

The Lodi City Council has apparently "found their backbone" and has voted unanimously to allow sectarian prayers before City Council meetings in direct opposition to threats of legal action against the City of Lodi by civil rights groups concerned over the clear violations against the U.S. Constitution's Establishment Clause.

So, let's look forward in time a few months. Lodi's City Council has been rolling along offering prayers in Jesus' name for a while now. They knew that this meant - in an abstract way of course - that they may at some point have to allow a non-Christian prayer before the start of the meeting. So, a Mormon Bishop is allowed to pray. Then, a Rabbi. Finally, after much deliberation, an Imam offers a prayer to Allah.

People are tense, but things go well, and the sky doesn't split apart, so they try their best to forget it ever happened, while simultaneously patting themselves on the back for their "tolerance".

Then things start to go awry.

A Raëlian Priest, or "Guide" basically forces his way to the front of the meeting, ranting about God knows what. The Master at Arms throws him out, and the City Council members all have a nervous chuckle.

A Wiccan applies to lead the Council in a skyclad ceremony. The Council members look it up and deny the application.

A Pastafarian wants to dress and talk like a pirate while holding a delicious plate of spaghetti. Denied.

A Jedi Knight wants to have everyone close the blast shield and try to "feel the force". Denied.

Suddenly, a rain of lawsuits alleging First Amendment violations descend onto the City. Religious persecution accusations are flying thick. The Council members decide that the very next wacky non-Christian nutball who applies to lead a prayer, they'll approve.

A Church of Satan Magister applies. They swallow, and approve the application.

The day comes, and all nervously await the Magister as he sweeps into the chambers. The lights dim, and with eerily glowing eyes he begins the blasphemous words for a Black Mass:

"Thou, thou who, in my capacity of Priest, I force, weather thou wilt or no, to descend into this host, to incarnate thyself into this bread Jesus, artisan of hoaxes, bandit of homages, robber of affection- hear! O lasting foulness of Bethlehem, we would have thee confess thy impudent cheats, thy inexplicable crimes!. We would drive deeper the nails into thy hands, press down the crown of thorns upon thy brow, and bring blood from the dry wounds.

Cursed Nazarene, abstractor of stupid parities, impotent king, fugitive god! O Infernal Satanic Majesty, condemn him to the pit, evermore to suffer in perpetual anguish. Bring Thy wrath upon him, O Prince of Darkness, King of Filth, Emperor of Putridity, Dark Lord Satan, hear our demands!"

Cue the lightning and fog machines and wolf howl special effects.

People freak the fuck out, cats and dogs start living together, chaos ensues, council members start raping goats right in the chambers, pregnant Christian ladies give birth to deformed monsters.

You know, the usual.

And atheists sit back and laugh. "Look," we'd say with a chuckle, "we fucking warned you morons about this six months ago! Now, grow the fuck up, stop breaking the law, and try following the Constitution. Make the council meetings secular, idiots, and pray in your own fucking church, and this won't happen ever again."

(Maybe not in those exact words... Heh.)

. . . that all the good Christians who read this piece were just shaking their heads:

Nigerian car thief turns into goat!

Abuja, Nigeria – In Nigeria recently, an angry mob demanded that police jail a goat. Vigilantes insisted the animal was a human car thief who transmogrified upon being apprehended. Nigerian law doesn't recognize magic, witchcraft, or voodoo. Yet, faced with an angry mob, police acquiesced, arresting the goat.

* * *

Not infrequently, police hear reports that a man claims someone cast a spell to capture his spirit. Tradition here holds that if you sleep in bed with your feet at the headboard, you are communing with witches. Criminals buy charms from witch doctors to become invisible and escape arrest. A hairdresser tells of a client of another customer who reported a snake in her house that turned into a young woman. When the girl was taken to a Pentecostal church service she turned back into a snake. The journalistic canon of having two independent sources to confirm a news story becomes irrelevant when an entire congregation insists "it really happened."

Hey, it's the Stupor Bowl! Time for some special treats! What's better than some nice maggot cheese?

How about a little "blood marmalade"? Yum! It'll cure what ails you:

The Healing Power of Death

Were Europeans once cannibals? Research shows that up until the end of the 18th century, medicine routinely included stomach-churning ingredients like human flesh and blood.

* * *

In 16th- and 17th-century Europe, recipes for remedies like this, which provided instructions on how to process human bodies, were almost as common as the use of herbs, roots and bark. Medical historian Richard Sugg of Britain's Durham University, who is currently writing a book on the subject says that cadaver parts and blood were standard fare, available in every pharmacy. He even describes supply bottlenecks from the glory days of "medicinal cannibalism." Sugg is convinced that avid cannibalism was not only found within the New World, but also in Europe.

Welcome to the effects of magical thinking:

Discrimination against albinos is a serious problem throughout sub-Saharan Africa, but recently in Tanzania it has taken a wicked twist: at least 19 albinos, including children, have been killed and mutilated in the past year, victims of what Tanzanian officials say is a growing criminal trade in albino body parts.

Many people in Tanzania — and across Africa, for that matter — believe albinos have magical powers. They stand out, often the lone white face in a black crowd, a result of a genetic condition that impairs normal skin pigmentation and strikes about 1 in 3,000 people here. Tanzanian officials say witch doctors are now marketing albino skin, bones and hair as ingredients in potions that are promised to make people rich.

Yes, you read that correctly: albinos are being hunted down, killed, and then their body parts used in potions sold to people to 'make them rich'.

How can this happen? Well, the quote I used in the title comes from this statement, which just might offer a clue:

Offered without further comment . . .

KINSHASA (Reuters) - Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.

Reports of so-called penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread, and where ritual killings to obtain blood or body parts still occur.

Rumors of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo's sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.

. . . because none seems necessary.

Jim Downey

I suffer from a mild form of bipolar disorder, as I have written about previously. Looking back, it started in adolescence, though I didn't understand what was going on until my mid-20s. It is mild, though, and I have never suffered either a hypomanic or major depressive episode (though I have had some very dark periods), and have been able to control the disorder with minimal impact on my life. In this sense, I guess you can say that I am a little bit crazy - nothing major, nothing which requires hospitalization or heavy pharmaceuticals, nothing which puts my life at risk. I'm just a little bit crazy.

*As in Bad Science, Ben Goldacre's brilliant blog and column in The Guardian. If you're not familiar with his writing, you should be. And you should certainly take the time to read his recent post about homeopathic medicine. An excerpt:

And there is the rub. Because Winterson tries to tell us - like every other homeopathy fan - that for some mystical reason, which is never made entirely clear, the healing powers of homeopathic pills are special, and so their benefits cannot be tested like every other pill. This has become so deeply embedded in our culture, by an industry eager to obscure our very understanding of evidence, that even some doctors now believe it.

Enough is enough. Evidence-based medicine is beautiful, elegant, clever and, most of all, important. It is how we know what will kill or cure you. These are biblical themes, and it is ridiculous that what I am going to explain to you now is not taught in schools.

You've undoubtedly heard of this before:

"It's just so funny," she said. "All the desperation out there."

Hicks was chuckling to hear that the measure she recently took to help sell her house -- burying a statue of St. Joseph upside down in the front yard -- is a growing trend as sellers try to offset hopelessness invading housing markets across the nation.

Seen by many as the patron saint of home and family, St. Joseph's popularity is growing at religious goods stores and on the Internet -- among Catholics and non-Catholics alike.

Hilarious! Man, I don't know when I have laughed harder than upon hearing that people caught in financial difficulties turn in desperation to religious mumbo-jumbo for help. Good times, good times.

*sigh*

*Sigh*

I'd hoped we were beyond this: government-sponsored mass incantations to appease the weather gods.

Via the Bad Astronomer, word that Gov. Sonny Perdue of Georgia will hold a prayer service next Tuesday at the State Capitol. From the news article:

Heather Teilhet, his spokeswoman, said the governor began talking about wanting to host a service to pray for rain on his way back from Washington D.C. last week.

* * *

"Georgia needs rain. The issue at the heart of our drought problems is a lack of rain," Teilhet said. "And there is nothing the government can do to make that happen."

You're right, Heather. There is nothing the government can do to make that happen. And indulging your superstitions won't make one whit of difference.

Jim Downey

Ah, so a has-been pop musician from the 60's is going to open up a new "meditation-based college" and solve all his country's problems. From the AP story:

EDINBURGH, Scotland (AP) — Donovan, famous for '60s pop hits such as "Hurdy Gurdy Man" and "Mellow Yellow," has announced plans to open the Invincible Donovan University, where students will adhere to the principles of transcendental meditation.

"I know it sounds like an airy-fairy hippie dream to go on about '60s peace and love," said the 61-year-old singer, who was born Donovan Leitch in the Maryhill area of Glasgow. "But the world is ready for this now, it is clear this is the time."

Um, sure, Donovan - there hasn't been anyone else who has done something like this. Go for it, buddy.

According to the news report, he's hooked up with David Lynch to build this school. Why?

Brilliant. I offer you:

The Church of Google

We at the Church of Google believe the search engine Google is the closest humankind has ever come to directly experiencing an actual God (as typically defined). We believe there is much more evidence in favour of Google's divinity than there is for the divinity of other more traditional gods.

We reject supernatural gods on the notion they are not scientifically provable. Thus, Googlists believe Google should rightfully be given the title of "God", as She exhibits a great many of the characteristics traditionally associated with such Deities in a scientifically provable manner.

They have nine proofs of the Godhood of Google. My favorite is proof of an "afterlife":

Richard Carnes writes a bi-weekly column for the Vail Daily newspaper. This week he wrote a really good piece called "Atheist is not a four-letter word". Read it and you'll find the same points that we make here at UTI all the time.

[Richard Carnes] Atheist is not a four-letter word. Neither is it a euphemism for devil worshiper, totalitarian dictator, child molester or moral-free heathen who reads “Nietzsche for Dummies” for philosophical reference.

An atheist is simply a non-theist, meaning one who does not believe in the existence of gods.

I liked the article, but I had to respond to one of the Christian commenters on the story.

Not only does commenter "frelor" seem to completely mis-understand Richard Carnes' very clear prose, but he also has some pretty wacky ideas about atheism, how to raise good Christian robotschildren, and a masterful plan to out-breed the dreaded Muslim menace.

More below the fold...

Over the years I've had a lot of folks argue with me about my atheism, and I've argued right back - fiercely in some cases, but mostly with good humor and and real try at understanding what the other person is trying to say - and where they are coming from. I've been prayed for by an entire "prayer cell" of Salvation Army Church members in the UK, been the subject of a few sermons in my local churches, shocked the heck out of one set of grandparents with my atheism, and was shocked by the casual acceptance of it by the other set. I've had drunken, hours-long discussions with my brothers about God™, The Universe™, and the Nature Of Reality™. I've lived my life with gusto and tried to create meaning for myself and for my family. This is because I know - with a crystal clarity - how very fleeting all of our lives are on the grand stage of our universe, and how extremely fortunate we are to have appeared on that stage at this particular time - when we can recognize and appreciate our lives.

But this is the very first time I've ever been stealth-cursed by a commenter on my own blog.

Here's the comment. It was placed on an old post of Darksyde's from 2005 about the science of lightning. The commenter called themself "lightning", and linked their nickname to this site called "Satan's Kingdom":

[link] I bind you and cast you out into the bottomless pit and/or lake of fire by the Spirit of God and in the Holy Name Jesus Christ.

The bottomless pit and/or lake of fire? I get a choice? Hmnn. I guess I'll choose bottomless pit. Sure, it'll be boring, but not as painful as that whole lake of fire deal.

Thanks lightning, good buddy!

(Check out the HTML source of the page for a little extra dose of deluded Catholic lunacy. Apparently this internet cursing thing has been around since 2004 and lightning is just now getting around to UTI. It's tough being a wackjob, but is obviously made easier with modern communications technology like the web.)