Stupid Human Tricks

Lucky me! Apparently, my soul mate from Ghana has found me on my blank, semi-abandoned Myspace page! Had a lovely an entertaining chat session with her--also got some very professional phots that I cannot really post here.
But I saved a chat log from the session if anyone is interested. Forgive the chat spelling and typos. I'll correct any of my more egregious screwups, but leave hers intact.

Her screen name is "God Time is the best Appiah" and this is literally the first contact with her.

As if the introduction of full-body scanners after some nut set his nuts on fire wasn't enough - now security officials have decided to play a game of "hide the Semtex" and wound up losing a lump of it in a passenger's baggage on an international flight. A lump big enough to down a jetliner. And then they didn't bother to tell anyone for three days.

No, I am not making this up:

BRATISLAVA, Slovakia (AP) -- A failed airport security test ended up with a Slovak man unwittingly carrying hidden explosives in his luggage on a flight to Dublin, Slovak officials admitted Wednesday -- a mistake that enraged Irish authorities and shocked aviation experts worldwide.

While the Slovaks blamed the incident on ''a silly and unprofessional mistake,'' Irish officials and security experts said it was foolish for the Slovaks to hide actual bomb parts in the luggage of innocent passengers under any circumstances.

The passenger himself was detained by Irish police for several hours before being let go without charge Tuesday.

I don't follow professional sports. I sure as hell don't follow golf. I could really not care less about Tiger Woods, who he sleeps with, or whether his wife beat him up when she found out who he sleeps with.

I don't follow FOX News, or any of the talking-head shows on TV. What idiotic thing one of them says usually goes right past me without me paying the slightest notice - I expect *everything* that they say to be idiotic.

I really, really don't give a shit what particular flavor of religion any of these people follow - I figure most of them only choose one that they figure will help best with their careers, and flog that publicly in order to manipulate the rubes. That goes for sports figures who credit Jesus for that touchdown, news anchors who credit prayer with their cancer going into remission, all of it. It's just an act, unless they are actually even more stupid than I think.

But sometimes, one of these numbskulls will do or say something that even gets my attention. Here's a good one:

I've worked in retail enough to appreciate the anecdotes on "Not Always Right." This one has a delightful UTI twist:

Caller: “Hey…I need y’all to come out to [motel] and take me to the airport.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t think I’ll be able to do that.”

Caller: “Oh, and bring forty-five dollars.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, I cannot come pick you up.”

Caller: “What? I just came to your crummy town for a weekend and now I gotta get back home. Why the hell aren’t you helping me? I just need a ride and forty-five dollars!”

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid I can’t.”

Caller: “Ain’t y’all a church? Why don’t you get off your lazy a** and come get me?”

Me: “Sir, I am not accustomed to meeting strange men at motels.”

Caller: “Well, it’s obvious YOU ain’t a Christian!”

Happy 2010, one and all!

Jim Downey

Look, not to be too explicit about this, but the use of full body scanners won't make a damned bit of difference to someone who wants to smuggle a bomb or bomb components onto a plane (or anywhere else.) Because there are these things called body cavities, where people have actually been known to insert and hide stuff.

The Dutch have already announced that henceforth all passengers heading to the US will have to go through such scanners. Yesterday on All Things Considered I listened to professional fear-monger and former Bush Administration Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff claim that full body scanners are the solution, but that the evil ACLU had thwarted their use:

Gods, this is funny:

Q: Is the ButtCandle really a candle?
A: Yes, but not necessarily what you might picture as your dining room table variety of candle. In length and diameter, it's similiar to common candles. However, a hollow channel is cut from bottom to top which causes air to be drawn from the base to the top. In practice, this creates a vacuum at the base which, when inserted in the rectum, gently dislodges intestinal and rectal blockage.

That's from the ButtCandle FAQ.

Yup. ButtCandle. Which is just like it sounds. A candle that you stick in your butt, then light "with the 10" wooden match that is provided." You know, like those silly "Ear Candles" that you can find in woo-shops? Which is how I stumbled across it, over on Phil Plait's site.

Don't use it after having chili, though.

Jim Downey

Well, maybe there is a use for Twitter, after all. Seems that in the middle of the big snowstorm smacking the East Coast, some folks in DC decided to organize a good ol' fashioned snowball fight. You know, show up, informal sides, throw snowballs at one another. Some 150 - 200 people joined in. And everyone was having just too much fun.

Until some idiot in a Hummer drives through the intersection where this party is going on, and his vehicle gets smacked by a few snowballs. Said idiot jumps out of said Hummer, and draws a gun.

WTF?

Seriously, that's what happened. There were plenty of witnesses, plenty of pictures, plenty of video. Here's a good one, where you can clearly see the gun in his left hand:

Nice, eh?

And here's the *really* good part: the guy in question is a D.C. police detective, tentatively identified as Detective Baylor. But don't take my word for it, here he is himself:

When you get in trouble and you don't know right from wrong,
give a little whistle!

Taking the old song lyrics to heart, if inverting the intent a bit, police in the Chicago suburb of Oak Park have come up with a cunning plan to thwart crime:

Oak Park crime: Police pass out whistles to help residents fight back

Jump in burglaries and robberies prompts giveaway

Thousands of Oak Park residents are being equipped with a simple device to help fight crime in the village.

Police are passing out whistles that they are urging citizens to blow if they are victims of or witnesses to a crime.

Officers distributed hundreds of the shiny whistles at two stations along the CTA's Green Line in Oak Park on Friday and will be passing out more Wednesday along the Blue Line. Giveaways elsewhere are expected to take place in the weeks ahead.

"We think they are going to go quick," said Oak Park Police Cmdr. Keenan Williams.

The village conducted a similar program in the 1980s, and Police Chief Rick Tanksley earlier this year suggested bringing it back after statistics showed that burglaries and robberies were on the rise.

Heard on the radio this morning: this is the 20th Anniversary of the debut of The Simpsons.

And I knew I needed to post another "Confession Time." (If you're new, the rules are simple: 'confess' to some ostensible sin on the given topic, and receive receive forgiveness from the community.) Because I have never seen a complete episode of the series. Nor the movie.

Yeah, I know, I'm some kind of heathen. Actually, I am several kinds of heathen. But in this case I have to confess that I just have never had the inclination to watch The Simpsons. And after the first bit, my sheer contrariness pushed me to avoid the show - when something becomes too popular or hyped, I have a natural inclination to go against the crowd.

This:

Ask Ashley

Spitzer's babe answers all your love-life questions!

Sure, she's made some mistakes. But now Ashley Dupre, the former escort who brought down Gov. Eliot Spitzer, is sharing what she's learned in her new sex, love and relationship column -- exclusively in the New York Post. Is your husband cheating? Is your daughter on a dangerous path? Our readers asked -- and Ashley fired back with her no-nonsense advice.

There are times when I do wish there was a God, and He would just repeat the Flood...

Jim Downey

Via a comment here.

Man, you gotta love the audacity combined with the stupidity:

Tea partyers petition Dem lawmaker to move office to make protests easier

A Christian civil liberties organization on Thursday asked centrist Virginia Rep. Tom Perriello (D) to move his home district office to a location more favorable to protesters.

The Rutherford Institute, which was founded by conservative constitutional lawyer John W. Whitehead, penned a letter to the freshman Perriello citing the concerns of a local tea party group and the University of Virginia College Republicans that the location of his Charlottesville office interferes with their right to protest there.

"Unfortunately, it is your choice of office location that has hindered the ability of citizens to effectively communicate concerning issues of the utmost importance to you, Congress and the people of the Commonwealth of Virginia," wrote Whitehead.

18 months ago, prompted in part by a couple of incidents in my neck of the woods, I wrote the following:

The police use of Tasers is just simply out of control in this country. Seriously. My dad was a cop, and a lot of my family's friends growing up were cops. They've got a tough job. I know that the use of Tasers have protected the lives of officers. But this is insane. It is no longer just the odd asshole who happens to make the Greatest Hits of Police Abuse on YouTube. It has now become commonplace for the police to grab their Taser anytime someone doesn't immediately do what they're told. Time to get rid of the things, nationwide.

Well, one of the incidents has now been settled:

City pays off man injured in Taser use

The man injured after falling 15 feet from a highway overpass when police shocked him with two Tasers has reached a cash settlement with the city of Columbia.

Nice - there's now a website dedicated to making sure that all the places you shop use the proper gang signs:

How "Christmas-Friendly" Are Retailers?

Millions upon millions in our nation deeply value the great truths of Christmas and the holiday's inspiring place in American life and culture. We hope you will take a moment to "Stand for Christmas" by sharing feedback about your Christmas shopping experiences.

We're asking YOU to decide which retailers are "Christmas-friendly." They want your patronage and your gift-shopping dollars, but do they openly recognize Christmas?

Please post your rating and share your comments, which will go directly to retailers and appear on this site. Then, forward them to a friend!

Right, because the "Reason for the Season" is whether or not retailers flash the correct hand signals at the checkout counter.

Guess who is behind this glorification of the mighty dollar:

I just do not understand the mindset that some people have.

OK, let me explain. Monday I posted an excerpt about our upcoming "Cylinder Gap" tests to several of the gun forums I frequent, because I thought it would be of interest to some people who hang out at such places. And, for the most part, that proved to be correct.

But one place I got a response from one guy who said "it's already been done". See, he had done these sorts of tests using one brand of revolver which allows you to adjust the cylinder gap, in both a smaller and a larger caliber than the .38/.357 we're testing. And the difference wasn't that big a deal. Oh, he had the data somewhere, but he didn't have it readily available. There was no real reason for us to conduct the tests.

OK, so here's a guy who tested something different than we did (different calibers, and I guess only one barrel length in each). And he never published the data, though he says he'll dig it up. Nor did he document the process he used.

Doesn't sound to me like "it's already been done."

And the march of progress continues:

'Insecurity Cameras' To Track All Of Town's Traffic

A little town in California has a big and controversial idea: It wants to install security cameras on roads leading into town so that it can screen and record every license plate that comes inside city limits. The plan could effectively turn Tiburon into perhaps the nation's first public gated community.

* * *

"Tiburon is unusual because there are only two roads going in and out of the town," says Mayor Alice Fredericks.

It's quite easy, she says, to keep track of every car along those two roads. Last week, the Town Council decided to spend $200,000 to place six security cameras at strategic points along the road. For now, the plan is to make sure none of the cars coming into town are stolen. Crime statistics are low in Tiburon, but in a small town, Fredericks says, even a few crimes make an impact.

* * *

OK, that's it. I give up. There really must be something to this "religion" thing. Because clearly, I am in HELL. That is the only explanation for such a video as this:

Jim Downey

(Via MeFi. Cross posted to my blog.)

How homeopathy "works":

So stupid, it's funny. In homeopathic terms, that would be the intelligence of this video has been diluted to a 30c level, to the point where it just overwhelms your rational resistance. Or something.

I want my 8:12 back.

Jim Downey

Via MeFi.

While surfing the shallow end of the internet gene pool today I decided to pay a visit to that long-lost lover of all things insane: Alan Keyes! Yeah, you can check out his wonderful website (motto: "WHERE FAITH GIVES REASON FOR CITIZEN ACTION"), where this is the latest posting:

Why Obama's Ft. Hood reaction seems so strange

There are times when even Obama's critics seem to have difficulty putting into words their reaction to his strange behavior. I think that's because they refuse to consider the simple premise that makes sense of it all: He feels no love for the USA. He seems in fact to feel himself to be no part of this country.

Oh, give me a break:

How green is your pet?

SHOULD owning a great dane make you as much of an eco-outcast as an SUV driver? Yes it should, say Robert and Brenda Vale, two architects who specialise in sustainable living at Victoria University of Wellington in New Zealand. In their new book, Time to Eat the Dog: The real guide to sustainable living, they compare the ecological footprints of a menagerie of popular pets with those of various other lifestyle choices - and the critters do not fare well.

* * *

To measure the ecological paw, claw and fin-prints of the family pet, the Vales analysed the ingredients of common brands of pet food. They calculated, for example, that a medium-sized dog would consume 90 grams of meat and 156 grams of cereals daily in its recommended 300-gram portion of dried dog food. At its pre-dried weight, that equates to 450 grams of fresh meat and 260 grams of cereal. That means that over the course of a year, Fido wolfs down about 164 kilograms of meat and 95 kilograms of cereals.

that this sounded like a good idea at the time:

(CNN) -- Police say guilt was written all over their faces.

Police received a call Friday night that two men with hooded sweatshirts and painted faces had tried to break into a man's home in Carroll, Iowa.

When police stopped a vehicle matching the caller's description blocks away, they were stunned by the men's disguises.

There were no ski masks or stockings pulled over their heads; instead, Matthew Allan McNelly, 23, and Joey Lee Miller, 20, streaked their faces with permanent black marker.

Yes, alcohol *was* involved.

Well, that solves my quandary about what Hallowe'en costume to wear this year . . .

Jim Downey

Cross posted to my blog.