Holiday Cheer

Fourth of July is coming up tomorrow, and Mrs. Inscrutable always feeds me a lot of watermelon during this holiday. I used to tell myself that it was becuase it's really hot out here in Arizona - but now I'm not so sure...

[link] Watermelon yields Viagra-like effects

LUBBOCK, Texas (AP) — A slice of cool, fresh watermelon is a juicy way to top off a Fourth of July cookout and one that researchers say has effects similar to Viagra — but don't necessarily expect it to keep the fireworks all night long.

Watermelons contain an ingredient called citrulline that can trigger production of a compound that helps relax the body's blood vessels, similar to what happens when a man takes Viagra, said scientists in Texas, one of the nation's top producers of the seedless variety.

Found in the flesh and rind of watermelons, citrulline reacts with the body's enzymes when consumed in large quantities and is changed into arginine, an amino acid that benefits the heart and the circulatory and immune systems.

. . . let's all share our favorite Jesus-related commercial crap. It can be stuff sold to the faithful, or mocking the faithful (sometimes the difference is hard to discern), or just plain oddly related to Jesus.

Here's a couple:

Jesus Deluxe Action Figure

Could you use a miracle today? Maybe he can help. Quite possibly the first action figure to have "turns water into wine" as a selling point on the box, this wonderful Jesus character stands 5 1/4-inches tall and features glow-in-the-dark hands! He comes in an illustrated window box with 8 accessories: a jug, 2 fish, and 5 loaves of bread. Welcome him into your home today!

Classic! And from those same folks:

Jesus Adhesive Bandages

The convenience store was busy this morning. It's kind of a "last chance" stop before the commuters heading out to the power plant turn off the highway, so it's busy most mornings. I grabbed a black coffee and a newspaper and stood in line to check out. Eventually the line shortened and I ended up at the counter. I placed my coffee and newspaper down and reached for my wallet when I noticed something odd about the clerk.

"Hey," I gestured with a friendly smile, "you have a little smudge there on your forehead." I snagged a Kleenex from the box thoughtfully provided for customers between the registers and handed it to him.

I looked down at my wallet and dug out my debit card. When I looked up again I was taken aback... The guy was glaring at me!

Nervously I asked him, "is there something wrong?"

I saw him visibly struggle to settle himself down. "That'll be $2.75, Sir."

Then I remember. Today is Ash Wednesday. He's a Catholic, or some other sect that practices this particular ritual. "Ahhh... ," I said, with another smile to take the edge off his anger. "I didn't realize what today was."

He rang up my purchase, swiped my card, and I punched in my PIN.

"How," he asked with a supercilious sneer barely under control, "can anyone not realize it's Ash Wednesday?"

"Well, I'm an atheist, um," I peered at his name tag, "'David'. I don't usually keep tabs on every religion's quaint little rituals."

Then the minimum wage, pimply convenience store clerk, who happened to be participating in a stone age public religious ritual, with freakin' palm frond ashes that were rubbed onto his forehead by a magical shaman, has the gall to look at me like I was the crazy one.

As the year winds down, and you need a little relaxing fun to kill some time this weekend, you can play dress - up with Jesus and Muhammad! Both are from the somewhat twisted mind of Normal Bob Smith, who seems like he would fit right in here with us other heathens at UTI.

Jim Downey

(Via the comments on this post at ectoplasmosis. Which is just disturbing. I didn't even know there were people who have a 'stigmata fetish'. Let alone that there are inflatable dolls of Jesus that cater to them.)

I found this bit of Christmas cheer on CNN today.

BETHLEHEM, West Bank (AP) -- Greek Orthodox and Armenian priests attacked each other with brooms and stones inside the Church of the Nativity as long-standing rivalries erupted in violence during holiday cleaning on Thursday.

A general view from the Church of the Nativity compound in the West Bank town of Bethlehem.

The basilica, built over the grotto in Bethlehem where Christians believe Jesus was born, is administered jointly by Roman Catholic, Greek Orthodox and Armenian Apostolic authorities.

Any perceived encroachment on one group's turf can touch off vicious feuds.

On Thursday, dozens of priests and cleaners were scrubbing the church ahead of the Armenian and Orthodox Christmas, celebrated in early January. Thousands of tourists visited the church this week for Christmas celebrations.

But the clean-up turned ugly after some of the Orthodox faithful stepped inside the Armenian church's section, touching off a scuffle between about 50 Greek Orthodox and 30 Armenians.

DES MOINES, Iowa - It was a stinky holiday for Robert Schoff.

The 77-year-old man spent part of Christmas Eve stuck upside down in the opening of his septic tank, with his head inside and his feet kicking in the air above.

"It wasn't good, I'll tell you what," Schoff said Tuesday. "It was the worst Christmas Eve I've ever had."

Schoff reached into the tank Monday in an effort to find a clog, but he lost his balance and got wedged into the opening.

Nah. I know the real story. His wife's kids from a previous marriage were visiting, and they're evangelicals.

Or maybe he'd finally had enough of the presidential ads on TV? It gets pretty bad up there.

Jim Downey

"How's it going?"

"I'm almost done," answered my wife, from the step ladder. She had been out on the front porch, hanging the 'icicle' lights she likes around the perimeter of the roof. "But this one section of lights just won't work!"

"Bulb out?" I offered, looking at the dark 18" section.

"Yeah, maybe. I tried fussing with the bulbs to see if one was loose." She got down from the step ladder, looked back at her handywork. "Oh well, too many to try and figure out which one."

"Well, this string is a couple of years old. These things were what, all of $5.19 or some such? Can't expect them to last."

"Yeah, I suppose. We'll get new ones next year. I am not taking these down and putting up a different set just because that one little bit is dark."

"Fine with me. Let's go in - dinner's almost ready."

We folded up the ladder, grabbed the box for the lights and went inside. It was ten days before Christmas. Because of other things going on here, we've been a bit slow with all our holiday decorations and shopping stuff this year.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Merry Christmas, folks! I hope you all have a wonderful holiday!

OK, for all the believers who may see this, let's get one thing out of the way right up front: just because we may be lacking in God-belief, doesn't mean that we don't enjoy and celebrate the Christmas holiday. And that decidedly includes Christmas-themed movies of many stripes.

So I thought it would be fun to get a discussion going on the topic of favorite movies related to or set in the Christmas season. I'll go first.

I am fond of the classics - Holiday Inn, White Christmas, It's a Wonderful Life, et cetera. But the big favorite here around our house is Love, Actually. It's a recent movie (2003), so you may not know about it. It's also a foreign movie (British) which didn't get a huge Hollywood-style push out when it was first released.

Cute, Vox, except in my neck of the woods he'd be driving a red F350 6x6 dually super-duty crew cab, towing a horse trailer full of cutters, and he'd leave a lariat and a roping practice dummy. Heheh...

[link] Atheist Santa

Who's that coming down the chimney? Nobody -- that's ridiculous. Atheist Santa shows up in a gray Toyota Corolla and knocks on your door. Once you let him in and he has cookies and milk -- come on, even atheists love cookies and milk -- he will explain to your child that Santa may love all the children of the world, but he has never submitted his claims of flying reindeer and magical present delivery to James Randi, who would gladly pay a million dollars if presented with irrefutable proof of his wild claims. However, as a gesture of goodwill, Atheist Santa will leave your child with a set of wooden periodic-table blocks and a scale model of archaeopteryx.

. . . this is gotta be one of the worst:

Police Reward Good Drivers With Coffee

RANCHO CORDOVA, Calif. (AP) — Happy holidays. Now pull over to the side of the road.

Motorists may be in for a surprise if they spot flashing red lights in their rearview mirrors in this Sacramento suburb during the holiday season.

Police are stopping law-abiding motorists and rewarding their good driving with $5 Starbucks gift cards.

A traffic officer came up with the idea to "promote the holiday spirit and enhance goodwill between the traffic unit and the motoring public," police Sgt. Tim Curran said.

Yeah, because *everyone* just loves to be interrupted in whatever they're doing, delayed for an appointment they're trying to get to, and is so happy to have the cops pull them over for no ostensible reason.

Sheesh.

Like Professor Dawkins, and many of you as well, I am a cultural Christian. I was born and raised in this American society, bathed in Christianity - it's customs, it's traditions, and it's holidays. I love Christmastime and I always have. Here at stately Inscrutable Manor, we celebrate the traditional secular American Christmas not unlike most of our Christian friends and family. We have a tree, gift-giving, dinners and parties with friends and family, and a general period of good cheer and love.

Here are some of my favorite Christmas quotes. Enjoy, and add your own! Merry Christmas and a very happy and safe holiday to everyone!

"Christmas ... is not an eternal event at all, but a piece of one's home that one carries in one's heart..." -Freya Stark

"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'" -Dave Barry

"Christmas is the season for kindling the fire of hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart." -Washington Irving

"Christmas gift suggestions:
To your enemy, forgiveness.
To an opponent, tolerance.
To a friend, your heart.
To a customer, service.
To all, charity.
To every child, a good example.
To yourself, respect."
-Oren Arnold

"Christmas renews our youth by stirring our wonder. The capacity for wonder has been called our most pregnant human faculty, for in it are born our art, our science, our religion." -Ralph Sockman

"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven." -W. C. Fields

Raymond Grezel, pastor of the Rockville Church of the Nazarene near Vernon, Connecticut, the town where the Connecticut Valley Atheists erected their "Imagine No Religion" display, is a little confused about what the First Amendment is. According to him, it was apparently written specifically to protect the wilting-flower Christians in his church from being offended by all those nasty, unpopular opinions that they don't like.

[link] ...he didn't have a problem with the all-inclusive policy allowing the sign, but had hoped it would have been more appropriate.

"If you're going to allow everyone to have free speech or a display, then they should have to show a compelling reason ... without allowing inflammatory comments that ultimately harm others," Grezel said.

Hmnn. Interesting. He says, "If you're going to allow..." as if freedom of speech and expression is something that is voted on by the town council or something. As if it was not a right - the first and foremost right - already guaranteed to every American citizen by the First Amendment to the Constitution. So, Pastor Grezel thinks that us dirty atheists should have to show "a compelling reason" to exercise our civil right of freedom of expression as enumerated in the First Amendment, that our speech should be "appropriate", not "inflammatory", or "harm others".

Well, golly gee, Pastor. I had no idea that the First Amendment had all those very specific requirements that you just pulled out of your ass.

U. S. Supreme Court Justice William J. Brennan seems to disagree with the good Pastor:

If there is a bedrock principle of the First Amendment, it is that the government may not prohibit the expression of an idea simply because society finds the idea itself offensive or disagreeable. - Texas vs. Johnson, 1989

In regards to Pastor Ray's delicate sensibilities and indignant squealing about the massive injustice of a group of atheists having the unmitigated gall to demand that they be afforded actual civil rights like the freedom of expression and speech, just like us regular decent people, I have to agree with General Colin Powell:

Free speech is intended to protect the controversial and even outrageous word; and not just comforting platitudes too mundane to need protection.

In other words, get used to it. It's called being an American. You still want to be one of those, don't you?

Heather Fluit, a columnist with the Volante Online University Of South Dakota student newspaper writes a pretty good article about Christmas and how students of different faiths, as well as non-believing students at USD choose to celebrate the holiday. She gets the obligatory definition of "agnostic" and "atheism" about half-right:

[Heather Fluit] Agnosticism is defined as neither faith nor disbelief in God, while atheism is the belief that God or a higher being does not exist.

Um... no. I don't know why she chose the tortured double-negative syntax to describe agnosticism because it makes it difficult to read and understand what she is trying to say, and a positive belief in no-god can be a part of atheism. In truth, agnosticism is "without knowledge", and atheism is "without god belief".

The two terms are not points along the same line. In other words, they are on two completely separate lines.

One set of terms - "gnosticism" and "agnosticism" - deal with knowledge. Specifically, whether or not knowledge of a god or gods is even possible.

The other set - "theism" and "atheism" - deal with whether god belief is present or absent within a human being.

So, the commonly-held understanding of "agnosticism" as being a fancy way of saying "I don't know", and a middle or moderate position between two extremes is a complete and utter misconception. A comfortable fantasy perpetuated by folks who don't understand what the words mean.

In reality, there is no "middle ground" between atheism and theism. Either god belief is present, or it is absent. It is on or off, black or white, there or not-there.

So, a person may be both an atheist, AND an agnostic. That is to say, god belief is not present within them (atheism), and they hold the position that knowledge of a god or gods is not possible (agnosticism).

I know - not a ground-breaking post, but it irks me sometimes that everyone seems to get this wrong - when it is so simple. This adds to my conviction that the words are drifting away from us and that we probably need to stop using them soon. The general human usage of the words is being co-opted by the colloquial meanings.

This was first posted back in 2005. Enjoy, and happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Ah, the uniquely American holiday called Thanksgiving. That wonderful time of year where we celebrate the gustatory pleasures of a gigantic, artificially-grown and raised turkey, homemade pies, green bean casserole, and (in drunk Uncle Al's case) too much Budweiser during the game. Families get together and share each other's company. Extended families sometimes get together at a couple of different times during the day so that all sides of the family can share. Fun is had by all and tryptophan is blamed for the after-feast snores (even though us skeptics have known for years that it's probably due to the carbohydrates instead.)

Most Americans also take the opportunity at the holiday to give thanks to their various gods for their good fortunes, happy lives, and healthy families.

Atheists also celebrate Thanksgiving in America, but we don't give our thanks to an invisible, magical nonexistent being. Instead we give our thanks to those who truly deserve it - our fellow humans. I give my "thank yous" to people, to my family, to my friends. I give my thanks to the farmers and ranchers who grew and raised the food I'm chowing down on, the brewers who brewed the excellent beer I'm drinking, and to the board members and shareholders in the company I work for for the salary that I earn that enables me to throw a big holiday dinner like this.

I thank my wife for putting up with me, my children for making my life so inexpressibly joyful, my parents for doing a great job raising me, my brothers for being, well, my brothers, because they're fun to hang out with and will always have my back (as I will always have theirs), my sister for being my only baby sister and one of my best friends for all these years, and Yamaha Motors Corp. for manufacturing the most kick-ass ATV ever.

I thank the readers of UTI for reading, Hank Fox and DS for having such a great way with words, Alon Levy (and Jim, Eric, and Rick! -Brent) for agreeing to join UTI and take some of the load off, Carl Buell for being such a great artist and friend, and Kirk Cameron, Pat Robertson, and all the rest of the wackos for providing such easy targets. Heh.

In other words, I give my thanks to real people, not to fantasies and delusions. When you think about it, it is a slap in the face to thank a god for the meal when your spouse was the one who got up at 3:00am to to stuff the turkey and put it in the oven for your sorry ass.

So, thank you, one and all, for being there and for being a part of this wonderful, incredible journey that is my life.

Oh, and thank you Flying Spaghetti Monster for the beer volcano and the stripper factory. RAmen.

Just in time for the holidays, comes this friendly bit of advice from your Big Brother:

As the busy holiday travel season approaches, TSA would like to help you get through the security checkpoint quickly and have a safe flight to your destination. Our Transportation Security Officers will be working around the clock to provide an efficient security process. We're asking you to become an active partner in your security experience by knowing the rules and carefully packing your carry-on bags.

Pack smart to get through faster. Keep luggage organized by layering items; this will increase visibility for the security officers. When approaching the checkpoint, be prepared.

Yes, be prepared. I recommend the little packets of KY Jelly, or the 'personal lubricant' of your choice, in order to comply with security regulations and reduce pain.

*Sheesh*

I know it's Halloween, but this one is just silly as hell.

A civil engineer from Boston named Christopher Ogden had his dad take a picture of him in a high-contrast outdoor setting with a low-power CMOS-based camera phone. A typical camera phone, in other words. The resulting image seems to show a second, eerily spooky man in the light and shadow areas of the tree trunk behind Ogden.

This is not the surprising part, or the silly part. Low-resolution digital images often include artifacts due to the poor quality of the lenses on a camera phone, and also due to the low-power-consumption CMOS technology that enables a digital camera to be shoehorned into a tiny little cell phone. Whereas your typical "real" digital cameras allow a great deal of control over such things as exposure and focus at the moment the picture is taken, camera phones usually only have one control: "take a picture".

In other words, there's a hell of a lot more to quality digital imaging than simply increasing the number of megapixels in the camera's image sensor. Camera phones take muddy, distorted, pixelated pictures full of odd digital artifacts. That, my civil engineering friend Christian Ogden, is what we like to call a "fact".

The other not-silly part of this story is the fact that humans are pattern-seeking animals. We see human faces and figures everywhere - in tortillas, on plate glass windows, or in the pattern of a water stain seeping from the wall of an underpass. So, again this isn't so surprising.

What is silly is the engineer's assertion that digital cameras have the ability to capture images of supernatural things.

[link] "I’ve never really believed in apparitions," Ogden said. "I believe in an afterlife and all that, but I've heard a lot of stories about similar things occurring with digital cameras' spectral system picking up what the typical eye can’t see."

Ah. I see. Well, I suppose that as long as he's not one of those nasty, dirty, stinking, immoral, uppity atheists, then we should believe him. I mean after all, he's a civil engineer. Why, that's practically almost a real scientist!

Personally, I prefer this ghost.

Have a safe and happy Fourth of July, folks!

Happy St. Paddy's Day, one and all! Of course, this is one more example of the Evil Atheist Conspiracy at work, subtly corrupting the Catholic Church through the secularization of a Holy Feast Day, even involving known homosexuals and non-Christians in the huge Dublin parade celebrating the day.

Where is Bill O'Reilly when we need him, in this clear case of The War on St. Pat's Day? How else can you explain the notion that "everyone is Irish on St. Paddy's Day"?

Jim Downey

PZ Myers is 50 today! Drop by his tiny little, unpopular blog and wish him the best. It'll make him feel better I'm sure.

And now, the mandatory birthday poem:

His insightful writing's abrasive,
and his wit can be quite invasive.
But the best part of PZ
is the science, you see.
His biology is utterly persuasive.

Thank you, thank you, and again, Happy five-oh, PZ!